i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You're like the curious george of whores
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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