dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
