i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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