If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
