im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Found your dick twin last night
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
