I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
