you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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