I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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