Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
