I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
