Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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