Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
