Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
