In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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