I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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