I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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