There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
