It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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