Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
