I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm getting married
To pizza
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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