I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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