did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
