Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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