I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize