watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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