they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
