im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
