i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
