I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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