if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
