oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
