she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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