I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
