guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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