Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
