great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
