I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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