I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize