He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
