Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
mondays should just be called national damage control day
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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