Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
