ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
