How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He shit in the fireplace
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
