had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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