oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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