you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
