We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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