This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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