I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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