i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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