I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
