i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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