Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
