Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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