The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
