i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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